As everything becomes more and more cosmopolitan – more “globalised” if you like – so we take on more and more previously “foreign” social conventions and rituals. And this extends to the kiss!
Whereas generations of Englishmen (and women) once learned how and when the most polite of greetings and farewells was a handshake, we are now often presented with a welter of “imported” customs involving kisses (cheeks and lips), hugs, hand-holding and back-slapping.
Attractive as it might feel to be some part of a greater one-world with our fellow man (or woman), there are two basic problems with this Pandora’s Box of touchy-feely greetings. The first is to do with the peculiarly English reserve, not to mention fear and trembling of any kind of physical contact with strangers, casual or business acquaintances – especially if the recipient is a man. Culturally trained to extend a hand to shake, you can often see the unfortunate man physically recoil as some worldly-savvy “new” woman leans right in to kiss him – and not just once, but often as not twice, with an “air-kiss” on both cheeks. For some such unfortunates, the forwardness seems almost indecent.
There’s an almost traditional resistance in Britain (and the United States) to such kissing, where it has in the past been considered insincere or childish – or a hallmark of solely showbiz society, especially of female American celebrities. There, it is often accompanied by a loud ‘mwah’ sound, as if to exaggerate the pretence of “genuine” kissing. The group that is most often associated with air kissing is that widely derided faction – the Maws (those who give their occupation as “Model/Actress/Whatever”. The sound might well be called the ‘maw mwah’.
But it has no such negative connotations if continental Europe of course. But what makes current encounters even more of a social minefield is the fact that there is yet no generally accepted “standard” European etiquette governing such situations. Should the greeting be limited to a handshake? One kiss? Two kisses? A hug or an embrace? It’s rarely clear and the result is that you offer a hand and you’re presented with a cheek to kiss. You offer a nervous peck and then as you pull back you get offered a second cheek. With the other person hovering awkwardly on their front foot, you go back in at speed to finish the job, leaving you both blushing and giggling in embarrassment. At least a clash of heads was avoided. In the social minefield of contemporary English society the problem is one of trying to judge the expectations of the other person without appearing overly familiar on the one hand or uptight on the other.
The confusion appears to be fuelled by the fact that the UK is not only absorbing foreign trends at a frenetic pace, but also probably in a greater and greater rush to do everything, including forming relationships. The confusion comes because there is a push to be more intimate at work – through exercises like team bonding – and a pull in the other direction from people hugely afraid of breaching equality and sexual harassment laws.
To help guide you through such a potential minefield, the BBC’s (no less) website includes a few tips and hints about what form of greeting or farewell to use in different situations.
The handshake is still always fine, even with a stranger, cites a body language expert, who also stresses that good eye contact is important during the gesture.
The “air-kiss” should normally be reserved for those with who you’ve shared some measure of social contact or discussion, for example, if in a business context, after lunch with a client. Two such kisses (one on each cheek) are becoming common.
The hugging and back-patting favoured by the Three Tenors is apparently also increasingly popular between businessmen, as a sign of their “alpha-male” status – but be careful to avoid any pelvic contact, with its risk of sexual connotation!
Brace yourself for this next bit of wisdom from the website! Lip-to-lip kissing “is creeping into some industries” say reliably informed sources, though most people would regard this as unhygienic and something still rarely appropriate in the business world.
The hand-kiss, favoured by former French president Jacques Chirac, could be misinterpreted as an insult in the UK and invariably prompts a fit of the giggles from the recipient and innocent onlookers!